Please believe me when I say that in order to stay with me on this one, you're going to need to be sitting down, completely sober, and be within arms reach of some kind of writing utensil and graph paper. I literally can't believe this is my real life. Okay, so the neighbour catastrophe...just to recap:
1. I slept with my next door neighbour, (who has nothing to do with the following story).
2. I slept with my upstairs neighbour's best friend a few months ago.
3. I kissed my upstairs neighbour's brother/roommate a few weeks ago.
4. I hit on my upstairs neighbour and his OTHER friend, simultaneously, as if I'm Jenna James starring in a Peter North film, three weeks ago.
5. I slept with my upstairs neighbour two weeks ago.
Got that? Okay...so...let's talk about the "OTHER" friend from point 4. above. The only part of that night that made the cut to my blog was the e-mail I had to send the next morning apologizing to my upstairs neighbour for hitting on him and his friend at the same time, and kissing his brother the week before. Oops. In actuality, the entire night I was trying to seduce both of them, as if I don't have enough notches on my belt from this particular address. Luckily for me, I was so incredibly intoxicated, that one of them said something to me, just a single sentence, that offended my drunk-ass so much that I stormed out leaving them both blue-balled. What did they say you ask? I have no fucking clue. They probably said that Backstreet Boys aren't cool anymore or watermelon is NOT the best kind of fruit...who the fuck cares, whatever it was, storming out seemed to be dramatically appropriate. Luckily our friendship survived and a week later I hung out with, and banged, my upstairs neighbour. Lucky him. Which brings us to this week...
This week upstairs neighbour, his best friend, and his brother/roommate are away on vacation. I'm not gonna lie, the thought of them all sharing a king bed with me smashed somewhere in between is making it hard for me to focus. So they're away for the week and I get a message from...the OTHER friend, (the almost-threesome blue-baller), who just happens to be housesitting upstairs. He wants to hang out. That was Monday. I was drunk so ended up just not texting back. I know what you're thinking...why the HELL was I drunk on a Monday? Don't worry, I Tivo'd "Intervention," it's all good. Tuesday, another text. He wants to "hang out and be lazy" with me. Hmmm...sounds like he wants to bang. I tell him I just want to chill, but maybe next time. he texts again a couple hours later and asks if I still want to chill by myself. Yes, yes I do. Wednesday...he asks me what I'm up to...I'm watching a movie, and he gets the hint to leave me alone for the evening.
Alright. One of two things is going on here:
1. He has no idea that I slept with his friend who is away right now, which is plausible, because I abandoned them both in a possible BSB/watermelon frenzy the last time he saw me, and finds me incredibly sexy and desirable and can't believe his luck that he is alone in an apartment with me just mere feet away. Or
2. A public announcement has been made to all units in my apartment building that I will put out to anyone who looks like he may be under 30 and has all his teeth.
I'll assume it's number 1, because it helps me sleep at night thinking that I'm just THAT desirable to anyone within a 10-foot radius. And for the record, I have no attraction to friend #2, so his powers are useless against me. Unless I drink vodka...better get it out of the house just to be safe.
Yup, still got it.
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