The Secret to a Man's Heart

Well, I finally did it. I found the perfect balance between the Nice Girl and my raging hormones. If all goes according to plan I will have a new boyfriend in a couple of weeks.

About a week ago I had a party and my neighbour and his friends popped in for a few minutes. One of his friends was yummmmmy. Okay, I know what you're thinking, another neighbour story?? I can't help it if my neighbours and their friends, brothers, fathers, and goldfish find me irresistible, so shut up and just keep reading. We had a few minutes of flirtatious conversation and nothing much came of it, especially since although he was gorgeous and had an accent that made me wet myself,  I was more concerned with the other guests at my party and the amount of glass they were breaking. Hottie McAccent went back to my neighbour's place and that was that. That night, in keeping with my "elegant slut" status, I ended up having sex with my OTHER neighbour's best friend...again. Fuck. Actually thanks to Aunt Flo we didn't ACTUALLY have sex, so the next day when other neighbour asked "did you bang my best friend?", I was able to answer "no I did not" without my nose shooting out like I just snorted five rails of Cialis in Gepetto's workshop. I felt no need to add, "but I licked his balls while we both masturbated."

Anyhoo, back to Hottie McAccent. So three days after my party there was another party in the building, and guess who showed up? Well of course me...as soon as I hear the word "party" I grab the champagne and Silly String and I'm on my way. And...Hottie McAccent. The second I saw him I remembered why I was so attracted to him in the first place. Seriously. He's gorgeous, smart, affectionate, and just the perfect amount of controlling. Anytime any guy talked to me he would come and touch my leg or rub my arm or something, clearly giving off the "she's mine" vibe. I love that. In fact, I wouldn't have been the least bit offended if he whipped out his penis and peed all around my section of the couch. That night I kissed him a few times, and he asked me to go downstairs to my place, but I couldn't go. I had too many of my own friends that I invited to the party, and I didn't want to bail on everyone. Besides, we just met, geez! What, did he think we were going to go have sex or something? What would ever give him that idea? So after a few amazing kisses and hours of conversation, he left...with my number. That's the first time in months I've watched a guy walk away from me with blue balls.

The next day he asked me to go on a date. YES! I was very excited, and we went out last night. I'm not going to share the details of the amazing date or how I'm already imagining myself converting to Judaism and marrying this man, let's just skip to the part where I manage to show some restraint and act like a Nice Girl...ish. Thanks to the fact that I only had 2 glasses of wine on our date, I still had some sense about me, and I knew I wanted to see this man again. I was NOT going to have sex with him. 20 minutes into our make-out session I could see where this was going...directly into my vagina. So I tell him "I like you and I want to see you again so I don't want to do anything too fast." This was about the most shocking thing I've ever said; even more shocking is that I meant it. So we made out for a while longer and we were both getting far too excited. In an attempt to ensure my pants stayed on, I figured I would take care of him. So down I went. 10 minutes later, after being told I was "amazing" about seven times, I swallowed and came up for air. I have actually never done that before for a guy that wasn't my boyfriend, but I figured I would bend the rules since this was a special occasion: mine and my husband's first date. After my "amazing" performance, I laid back down and we cuddled and talked for about half an hour. It was late and I had to go, and he kept saying he didn't want me to go - nice. Then, something wonderful happened. Hottie McAccent asked me out on a second date. That's right, whilst on the first date, I was asked on a second one, and even given a time and place. Wow.

This is it. I've discovered the secret to a man's heart. Blowjobs.