"I Just Want to be Neighbors"

So far I have learned that boys aren't very nice. I have also learned that nice girls have no fun. I tend to draw in an equal amount of disappointment and confusion as I did being the not-so-nice girl, and at least she got laid.

For the past two weeks I was becoming increasingly attracted to one of my neighbors. He is a VERY nice guy...all his friends are doctors, he has some health-related career, and he is soft-spoken and seriously way too nice to handle the things that I imagine doing to him. After we hung out a few times he told me that he smokes pot sometimes, it's one of his worst habits...WOW, I better not share with him some of mine. Generally I like to smoke pot to shake the after-effects of my other 250 bad habits, but enough about me. So for the past couple of weeks we've been hanging out, flirting, chatting a lot. We've never kissed, but we'll cuddle on the couch, it's pretty cute. So I'm thinking this is what normal people do. And maybe this is how normal relationships might start? NOPE.

Last Friday we hung out and almost hooked-up, but he was pretty drunk and as much as I wanted to see him naked, I wanted him to remember it, so in keeping with the NGP, I warded off his perverted and delicious advances and left with but a kiss on the cheek. Then, the next morning I wake up to a text..."I think that being good neighbors is the most important thing right now". Excuse me? Did I just get preemptively dumped before I've even kissed the guy? In a text message? And is it really necessary to dump someone you've never even kissed? Ever heard of just, I dunno, say...not calling them anymore?

It was about that time that I decided this whole thing is ridiculous. Boys are idiots whether I'm naughty or nice, so I may as well go back to having fun. I banged him later that night. I'll be the one to decide who's going to be "good neighbors", thank you very much.

Not So Easy Peasy

This "nice girl" crap goes against every natural feeling in my body. I have no idea how to communicate with a guy without having him in my bed by the end of the night. I have stopped swearing, however...it took me a week, and to be quite honest, knowing it only takes a week of rehab for me to stop cursing makes me excited. I can swear my face off and stop in mere days...fantastic! (PS - this blog is a free zone...no penalties for swearing here).

Funny thing that I've noticed being the Nice Girl...guys aren't very nice...not the ones I meet anyways. I met a bartender last week, maybe a couple of years younger, and he asked me for my number. Like the smooth operator I am, I wrote my number on a free movie pass, and, like a predictable hamster, he took the bait and asked me to a movie...he even chose one...Mega Mind...and the day, Sunday, 3 days later. What a nice girl, a movie for the first date! I haven't done that since high school, no joke. Do you think he called? No. His loss, but still. At least as my bad-ass self I would have gotten laid before being rejected, Christ.

So then last night I'm at this after party for a movie release. I met one of the actors, in fact, the one who cracked me up the entire movie. A sense of humor goes a long way with me...by the end of the movie I was totally attracted to the guy and was thrilled to see him at the after party. I was even more thrilled that he seemed totally into me, and get this - he was older *thumbs*. Just by a couple of years, but that's likely a better choice than the teeny-boppers I've been chasing as of late. So we chat all evening and I have 7 too many drinks, (I know, oopsie, against the rules, but I'm only human), and I said it..."SHIT". I'm so well-trained not to swear, I immediately caught myself, gasped, and covered my mouth like I'd just blurted out the Caramilk secret, and said something along the lines of "I'm not allowed to swear". This comment is highly against the Project rules, and it's about to get worse. When he inquired as to why I wasn't "allowed" to swear, I proceeded to tell him that I was involved in the Nice Girl Project, and for the next 2 months I was going to be Nice Girl. Seriously against the rules. Stupid Dr. Pepper shots. Anyhoo, do you know what he said? "Talk to me in two months," walked away, and showed little interest in me for the rest of the night. Dick. (However I'm still attracted to him...maybe even a  little more).

It should be fascinating to see what happens if I actually manage to reel in a nice guy over the course of the Project. I would ruin him. Although I'm 100% a complete, verified douchebag magnet, so I doubt this will be any sort of an issue whatsoever. Stay tuned...

Potty Mouth

It has come to my attention that I am entirely unable to separate my potty mouth between myself and Nice Girl. Therefore I have opted to cut out swearing altogether. There is a swear jar at my office that now holds over $26...the jar has only been in effect since 10am yesterday...this could be a long 2 months. I have realized two things:

1. I swear too much
2. Not only do I talk to myself, but I actually swear to myself

I'm shocked by both of these findings. But don't worry...alas, I have a plan...I'm on it!!! Nice Girl will prevail...it might just take a couple of days, and perhaps the use of a ball-gag. (I was kidding, but that is actually a very good idea)...

Amendments to the Rules of The Nice Girl Project

I hate Halloween. It's great for the kids, and I'm all for Trick-or-Treating, but once you're old enough to get drunk, Halloween is for idiots. This is how I've felt for the past decade, until...True Blood. To sum it up, this show is sexy, scandalous, refreshing...and it always leaves me wanting me be in the middle of a vampire sandwich having my blood sucked between two cold, naked bodies. So I was actually excited a couple of months ago when I inadvertently stumbled across the waitress uniform from Merlotte's that Sookie Stackhouse wears. I bought it immediately and, like an idiot, got excited for Halloween for once. Unfortunately Halloween turned out to be a frustrating evening of entry lines, bathroom lines, drink lines...and without coke lines, it was intolerable, not to mention completely unexpected since we paid almost double for VIP tickets to avoid such nuisances. To top it all off, I bumped into Bachelor #1...remember him? The 25 year old narcissistic actor with the girlfriend? Anyhoo, the entire evening left me in a Stoli Bluberi-fueled rage, and the Nice Girl left the building. Thinking back, it has come to my attention that I need to make some amendments to the rules of The Nice Girl Project:

No swearing
No evil, crook, or stink eye
No yelling at bouncers
No physical scuffles with friends who are trying to calm me down
No flashing single nipples to my neighbours...or double for that matter
No use of the word "douchebag" or any similar spin on the word, including "douche", "doucher", or "douchestick"

I have a swear jar on the desk at work. My assistant said that I swore about 50 times when I told her the Halloween night details...RATS this is going to be harder than I thought. (She was nice of enough to allow it, since technically speaking, the swear jar hadn't been made yet). So starting now, the amendments are in place. Fuck. Okay, starting now.