Remember the DJ from a couple of months back? He sent me scandalous videos of himself which I used to have a sexual relationship with myself while I was out of town on business. Yes, that one. Well, we have actually remained friends ever since. It's kind of strange actually...we started the relationship with mutual masturbation, and to this day I've hung out with him several times, but have never even kissed the guy. So I assumed we were just friends and I was happy with that, particularly because I have pairs of socks older than him, and I'm more interested in finding a boyfriend than another fuck buddy. (Well, when I'm sober anyways.)
While I was away recently, the DJ texted me almost daily. By the end of my three-week trip, he was acting more and more like he liked me, you know...more than a friend. Just to confirm my intuition, he said that when I got back he wanted to come to my place and make me dinner. That's lovely. I said yes to that, but I knew I'd have to make sure he knows that this seriously can't go anywhere. I figured I'd tell him right after we had sex for dessert. Perfect.
So a couple of days after I got home he said he was super hungry and actually had to quickly talk to me about something, and asked me if I wanted to grab a bite. It seemed pretty casual so I agreed and we met near my place. He had a beer...I had 5 vodkas...he ate...I ate...finally, after my 6th vodka, he starts talking seriously. Okay, I'm listening. I knew what he was going to say anyways. He was going to find out if I had a problem with the age difference because he was starting to like me. The truth is, I didn't really know. I hadn't been thinking of him that way, so I would have to just go with the flow and see what happened. So he starts..."I just want you to know, that I will never date you." I'm actually surprised my eyeballs remained in their sockets since I don't think I have ever opened them so wide in my entire life as a result of severe shock and dismay. Was this fucking idiot for realsies? Where do I begin? During the rest of the one-sided conversation where he continued to drone on about all the reasons why he didn't like me, I actually remained relatively quiet, not due to my strength and self-control, but instead due to my loss of brain function in response to such a ludicrous turn of events. According to DJ I started acting "quiet" and he took me home
Like any normal human who has just been pre-dumped by a fetus that she didn't like in the first place, I went out and got wasted. I then called an old friend (a.k.a. the one-socked, best friend of my upstairs neighbour that I have fucked the shit out of on numerous occasions), and banged him into the wee hours. The next morning I had completely forgotten about the entire DJ event, so thank goodness he texted me to remind me...I woke up to a text from the DJ saying "I've deleted everything that has anything to do with you, contact info, pics, etc. and I'd appreciate it if you can do the same." I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a text in my life. At the same time, I was hurt that after months of being friends, I was clearly so disposable...ouch. For sure, stand by Mr. Mixed-signal-hot-cold-DJ-fucking-freakazoid, while I get right on your request to delete you from my life. I wrote back "Consider yourself deleted...well, 99% of you anyways. Guys trying to be famous DJs shouldn't piss off girls that have videos of them jerking off." He attempted damage control for the next 30 minutes solid, but sadly this damaged bitch could not be controlled. I ended the madness with my final text "stop texting me and delete my number you stupid shitbag." That worked.
Copies of the video are available for FREE to anyone who requests it, and to those of you who don't request it, chances are, you 'll be getting it anyways.
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