So after 2 weeks online, I met one nice guy. We went out and had a few drinks, and the physical attraction was definitely there, and like a Nice Girl, I didn't want to move too quickly and mess anything up, so I didn't kiss him, but he called me the next morning for a second date. That was good. He's a good guy, 29, a teacher, Master's degree, has a beautiful home, is anally neat and organized like myself. In fact, I've never met anyone who is MORE anal-retentive than me, and he is, which is a huge turn-on. It's nice to know that I wouldn't be the only one keeping the furniture at 90 degree angles to the floorboards if we ever shared a home. So that was about 2 weeks ago. However, as you have now come to realize, I'm destined to fuck up my life where men are concerned, and I've had a bit of a distraction the past 2 weeks, and I haven't yet met the nice anal man for our second date.
Like many people, I had a few days off work over the holidays. I met nice anal man on a Sunday because we both had Monday off. In keeping with my rockstar status, I also went out the next day. I went to meet a few friends at a pub, nice and early. It was still light out. I opted to take a cab because I knew that I would likely end up getting wasted like a douchebag, and I am a responsible douchebag. Don't drink and drive, kids. So my nice early light beer session turned into a Vodka and Muff Diver shot session, and before I knew it, my girlfriends and I were at our favorite bar from a decade ago, that shall remain nameless. At this point, my crush for nice anal man has been numbed by copious amounts of 80 proof, and I walk into the bar and BOOM. The hottest thing I've seen for at least an hour is right in front of me. We exchanged drunk sexy glances and eventually one of us approached the other. Now this guy looked young, maybe 25, but it isn't out of my character to play with the little ones. So we flirt all night, and he's awesome, and so hot, and yaaaa....I take him back to my lair for some cougar fun.
Next morning. Yes, I actually let him sleep over, it was nice to have sex 4 more times before noon. So after round 5 we're just hanging out and he says "I can't believe I spent all my Christmas money partying." Um, what? This guy still gets fucking Christmas money? Fuuuuuuck..."How old are you?" I asked, not actually wanting to hear the answer. "I'm twenty." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck meeeeeeeeeeeee. Ok, so ya, I've just banged a fucking minor, and given him alcohol, and sweet fucking Jesus am I going to be arrested? Are his parents going to charge me with statutory rape? Yikes, Fuck. Twenty? This guy could be my kid. I mean, during the Renaissance, but still. Fuck.
Fuck.
And why the fuck don't I get Christmas money?
Fuck.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
This Nice Girl is Going Digital
I'm fed-up with real boys. No, I'm not going to date Pinnochio, I've decided to take my single life into the digital age and try online dating. It's been 3 days, and this is nothing short of extremely entertaining! Some guys are complete douchebags, saying right in their profile "No fat chicks, you know who you are", and "You're lucky I'm even ON this site"...uuuh, are ya kidding me? And about 50% of these men have a picture of themselves holding a big fish they just caught. Can someone please tell these men that we don't give a flying fuck about your snapper? Maybe if you were my ACTUAL boyfriend, you'd get a fake "Way to go, honey!", but please, know your audience. This isn't an application for membership into the Global Navigator's Association, it's a dating site. About 25% of men also advertise that they "get bored easily." Great intro...I believe that's what caused my last 3 boyfriends to stick their dicks in other people. Fail.
The personal messages I receive are generally lame, but the odd time I will receive something that makes me laugh out loud at work, putting my future career in jeopardy. Like this morning, I received "Are you a magician?.. Because when I saw your profile, everyone else's disappeared. Talk to me." Hilarious. Too bad he chose to post a pic with his friend, and his friend is cuter than he is. I also got a message from a marijuana activist. He sent two pictures of himself, one marching in a protest and the other smoking a huge fatty.Yikes.
So here we go, into the new digital era. I have an open mind and an open heart as usual...bring on the handsome doctors!
The personal messages I receive are generally lame, but the odd time I will receive something that makes me laugh out loud at work, putting my future career in jeopardy. Like this morning, I received "Are you a magician?.. Because when I saw your profile, everyone else's disappeared. Talk to me." Hilarious. Too bad he chose to post a pic with his friend, and his friend is cuter than he is. I also got a message from a marijuana activist. He sent two pictures of himself, one marching in a protest and the other smoking a huge fatty.Yikes.
So here we go, into the new digital era. I have an open mind and an open heart as usual...bring on the handsome doctors!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
No More Mr. Nice Girl
Alright, after spending the entire weekend banning The Nice Girl Project, I've come to a groundbreaking conclusion: guys like to be treated like shit! I've had the most wonderful week of boys chasing me down, all thanks to being a complete douchebag.
Remember the bartender from a couple of weeks ago who never called? Guess who was trying to track me down all night on Friday, seemingly warm for my form? Yes, that's right. He's ridiculously young, but, unfortunately, ridiculously HOT, so I had my way with him and much to his dismay, kicked him out before bedtime. Just as he was falling into a Stoli-induced sex coma, I nudged him..."psssst...you have to go, I'm not used to having boys in my bed." He was in shock, and tried to talk me into letting him stay for a good 15 minutes, but I was having none of it. I can't sleep properly with some random idiot next to me. My fear in life is having these guys see me in my not-so-sexy, morning-after spiral of shame. Not a-happenin'...get out. So he did. And as I rose from my fabulous slumber at noon the next day, I hadn't been awake for 5 minutes when *ding*, I get a text message form the delicious, barely legal bartender..."Thank you for last night. Next time I'm staying over!" This is new to me. Follow-up contact? Next time?? Sleep over??? What the FUCK is going on here? Who the hell knows, but I decided to keep it going...
Saturday. My neighbor who I slept with a week ago and accidentally started to like, (oopsie...did I mention that?), starts joking/texting with me Saturday afternoon. I let it go on for about 15 minutes, then said I had to go, have a good weekend. Done. Fast forward to later that night, I'm having a blast with my friends at some new bar/lounge. (Where, by the way, I ran into the actor/douchebag that started the entire NGP...yup, stiilll a douchebag). So I glance at my phone and neighbor had texted me an hour prior, asking what I was up to. So I managed to ignore him for an hour without even knowing it, nice work! Anyhoo, he keeps in touch all night and comes by to "say hi" much later that night. he really did just come and say hi, and he told me I looked good, and gave me an up and down, which translated to "if you weren't surrounded by 8 of your friends right now, I'd devour you." He gave me a little peck and left. Cute. I shall ignore him until further notice.
I shall ignore them all until further notice. Stay tuned...
Remember the bartender from a couple of weeks ago who never called? Guess who was trying to track me down all night on Friday, seemingly warm for my form? Yes, that's right. He's ridiculously young, but, unfortunately, ridiculously HOT, so I had my way with him and much to his dismay, kicked him out before bedtime. Just as he was falling into a Stoli-induced sex coma, I nudged him..."psssst...you have to go, I'm not used to having boys in my bed." He was in shock, and tried to talk me into letting him stay for a good 15 minutes, but I was having none of it. I can't sleep properly with some random idiot next to me. My fear in life is having these guys see me in my not-so-sexy, morning-after spiral of shame. Not a-happenin'...get out. So he did. And as I rose from my fabulous slumber at noon the next day, I hadn't been awake for 5 minutes when *ding*, I get a text message form the delicious, barely legal bartender..."Thank you for last night. Next time I'm staying over!" This is new to me. Follow-up contact? Next time?? Sleep over??? What the FUCK is going on here? Who the hell knows, but I decided to keep it going...
Saturday. My neighbor who I slept with a week ago and accidentally started to like, (oopsie...did I mention that?), starts joking/texting with me Saturday afternoon. I let it go on for about 15 minutes, then said I had to go, have a good weekend. Done. Fast forward to later that night, I'm having a blast with my friends at some new bar/lounge. (Where, by the way, I ran into the actor/douchebag that started the entire NGP...yup, stiilll a douchebag). So I glance at my phone and neighbor had texted me an hour prior, asking what I was up to. So I managed to ignore him for an hour without even knowing it, nice work! Anyhoo, he keeps in touch all night and comes by to "say hi" much later that night. he really did just come and say hi, and he told me I looked good, and gave me an up and down, which translated to "if you weren't surrounded by 8 of your friends right now, I'd devour you." He gave me a little peck and left. Cute. I shall ignore him until further notice.
I shall ignore them all until further notice. Stay tuned...
Monday, November 29, 2010
"I Just Want to be Neighbors"
So far I have learned that boys aren't very nice. I have also learned that nice girls have no fun. I tend to draw in an equal amount of disappointment and confusion as I did being the not-so-nice girl, and at least she got laid.
For the past two weeks I was becoming increasingly attracted to one of my neighbors. He is a VERY nice guy...all his friends are doctors, he has some health-related career, and he is soft-spoken and seriously way too nice to handle the things that I imagine doing to him. After we hung out a few times he told me that he smokes pot sometimes, it's one of his worst habits...WOW, I better not share with him some of mine. Generally I like to smoke pot to shake the after-effects of my other 250 bad habits, but enough about me. So for the past couple of weeks we've been hanging out, flirting, chatting a lot. We've never kissed, but we'll cuddle on the couch, it's pretty cute. So I'm thinking this is what normal people do. And maybe this is how normal relationships might start? NOPE.
Last Friday we hung out and almost hooked-up, but he was pretty drunk and as much as I wanted to see him naked, I wanted him to remember it, so in keeping with the NGP, I warded off his perverted and delicious advances and left with but a kiss on the cheek. Then, the next morning I wake up to a text..."I think that being good neighbors is the most important thing right now". Excuse me? Did I just get preemptively dumped before I've even kissed the guy? In a text message? And is it really necessary to dump someone you've never even kissed? Ever heard of just, I dunno, say...not calling them anymore?
It was about that time that I decided this whole thing is ridiculous. Boys are idiots whether I'm naughty or nice, so I may as well go back to having fun. I banged him later that night. I'll be the one to decide who's going to be "good neighbors", thank you very much.
For the past two weeks I was becoming increasingly attracted to one of my neighbors. He is a VERY nice guy...all his friends are doctors, he has some health-related career, and he is soft-spoken and seriously way too nice to handle the things that I imagine doing to him. After we hung out a few times he told me that he smokes pot sometimes, it's one of his worst habits...WOW, I better not share with him some of mine. Generally I like to smoke pot to shake the after-effects of my other 250 bad habits, but enough about me. So for the past couple of weeks we've been hanging out, flirting, chatting a lot. We've never kissed, but we'll cuddle on the couch, it's pretty cute. So I'm thinking this is what normal people do. And maybe this is how normal relationships might start? NOPE.
Last Friday we hung out and almost hooked-up, but he was pretty drunk and as much as I wanted to see him naked, I wanted him to remember it, so in keeping with the NGP, I warded off his perverted and delicious advances and left with but a kiss on the cheek. Then, the next morning I wake up to a text..."I think that being good neighbors is the most important thing right now". Excuse me? Did I just get preemptively dumped before I've even kissed the guy? In a text message? And is it really necessary to dump someone you've never even kissed? Ever heard of just, I dunno, say...not calling them anymore?
It was about that time that I decided this whole thing is ridiculous. Boys are idiots whether I'm naughty or nice, so I may as well go back to having fun. I banged him later that night. I'll be the one to decide who's going to be "good neighbors", thank you very much.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Not So Easy Peasy
This "nice girl" crap goes against every natural feeling in my body. I have no idea how to communicate with a guy without having him in my bed by the end of the night. I have stopped swearing, however...it took me a week, and to be quite honest, knowing it only takes a week of rehab for me to stop cursing makes me excited. I can swear my face off and stop in mere days...fantastic! (PS - this blog is a free zone...no penalties for swearing here).
Funny thing that I've noticed being the Nice Girl...guys aren't very nice...not the ones I meet anyways. I met a bartender last week, maybe a couple of years younger, and he asked me for my number. Like the smooth operator I am, I wrote my number on a free movie pass, and, like a predictable hamster, he took the bait and asked me to a movie...he even chose one...Mega Mind...and the day, Sunday, 3 days later. What a nice girl, a movie for the first date! I haven't done that since high school, no joke. Do you think he called? No. His loss, but still. At least as my bad-ass self I would have gotten laid before being rejected, Christ.
So then last night I'm at this after party for a movie release. I met one of the actors, in fact, the one who cracked me up the entire movie. A sense of humor goes a long way with me...by the end of the movie I was totally attracted to the guy and was thrilled to see him at the after party. I was even more thrilled that he seemed totally into me, and get this - he was older *thumbs*. Just by a couple of years, but that's likely a better choice than the teeny-boppers I've been chasing as of late. So we chat all evening and I have 7 too many drinks, (I know, oopsie, against the rules, but I'm only human), and I said it..."SHIT". I'm so well-trained not to swear, I immediately caught myself, gasped, and covered my mouth like I'd just blurted out the Caramilk secret, and said something along the lines of "I'm not allowed to swear". This comment is highly against the Project rules, and it's about to get worse. When he inquired as to why I wasn't "allowed" to swear, I proceeded to tell him that I was involved in the Nice Girl Project, and for the next 2 months I was going to be Nice Girl. Seriously against the rules. Stupid Dr. Pepper shots. Anyhoo, do you know what he said? "Talk to me in two months," walked away, and showed little interest in me for the rest of the night. Dick. (However I'm still attracted to him...maybe even a little more).
It should be fascinating to see what happens if I actually manage to reel in a nice guy over the course of the Project. I would ruin him. Although I'm 100% a complete, verified douchebag magnet, so I doubt this will be any sort of an issue whatsoever. Stay tuned...
Funny thing that I've noticed being the Nice Girl...guys aren't very nice...not the ones I meet anyways. I met a bartender last week, maybe a couple of years younger, and he asked me for my number. Like the smooth operator I am, I wrote my number on a free movie pass, and, like a predictable hamster, he took the bait and asked me to a movie...he even chose one...Mega Mind...and the day, Sunday, 3 days later. What a nice girl, a movie for the first date! I haven't done that since high school, no joke. Do you think he called? No. His loss, but still. At least as my bad-ass self I would have gotten laid before being rejected, Christ.
So then last night I'm at this after party for a movie release. I met one of the actors, in fact, the one who cracked me up the entire movie. A sense of humor goes a long way with me...by the end of the movie I was totally attracted to the guy and was thrilled to see him at the after party. I was even more thrilled that he seemed totally into me, and get this - he was older *thumbs*. Just by a couple of years, but that's likely a better choice than the teeny-boppers I've been chasing as of late. So we chat all evening and I have 7 too many drinks, (I know, oopsie, against the rules, but I'm only human), and I said it..."SHIT". I'm so well-trained not to swear, I immediately caught myself, gasped, and covered my mouth like I'd just blurted out the Caramilk secret, and said something along the lines of "I'm not allowed to swear". This comment is highly against the Project rules, and it's about to get worse. When he inquired as to why I wasn't "allowed" to swear, I proceeded to tell him that I was involved in the Nice Girl Project, and for the next 2 months I was going to be Nice Girl. Seriously against the rules. Stupid Dr. Pepper shots. Anyhoo, do you know what he said? "Talk to me in two months," walked away, and showed little interest in me for the rest of the night. Dick. (However I'm still attracted to him...maybe even a little more).
It should be fascinating to see what happens if I actually manage to reel in a nice guy over the course of the Project. I would ruin him. Although I'm 100% a complete, verified douchebag magnet, so I doubt this will be any sort of an issue whatsoever. Stay tuned...
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Potty Mouth
It has come to my attention that I am entirely unable to separate my potty mouth between myself and Nice Girl. Therefore I have opted to cut out swearing altogether. There is a swear jar at my office that now holds over $26...the jar has only been in effect since 10am yesterday...this could be a long 2 months. I have realized two things:
1. I swear too much
2. Not only do I talk to myself, but I actually swear to myself
I'm shocked by both of these findings. But don't worry...alas, I have a plan...I'm on it!!! Nice Girl will prevail...it might just take a couple of days, and perhaps the use of a ball-gag. (I was kidding, but that is actually a very good idea)...
1. I swear too much
2. Not only do I talk to myself, but I actually swear to myself
I'm shocked by both of these findings. But don't worry...alas, I have a plan...I'm on it!!! Nice Girl will prevail...it might just take a couple of days, and perhaps the use of a ball-gag. (I was kidding, but that is actually a very good idea)...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Amendments to the Rules of The Nice Girl Project
I hate Halloween. It's great for the kids, and I'm all for Trick-or-Treating, but once you're old enough to get drunk, Halloween is for idiots. This is how I've felt for the past decade, until...True Blood. To sum it up, this show is sexy, scandalous, refreshing...and it always leaves me wanting me be in the middle of a vampire sandwich having my blood sucked between two cold, naked bodies. So I was actually excited a couple of months ago when I inadvertently stumbled across the waitress uniform from Merlotte's that Sookie Stackhouse wears. I bought it immediately and, like an idiot, got excited for Halloween for once. Unfortunately Halloween turned out to be a frustrating evening of entry lines, bathroom lines, drink lines...and without coke lines, it was intolerable, not to mention completely unexpected since we paid almost double for VIP tickets to avoid such nuisances. To top it all off, I bumped into Bachelor #1...remember him? The 25 year old narcissistic actor with the girlfriend? Anyhoo, the entire evening left me in a Stoli Bluberi-fueled rage, and the Nice Girl left the building. Thinking back, it has come to my attention that I need to make some amendments to the rules of The Nice Girl Project:
No swearing
No evil, crook, or stink eye
No yelling at bouncers
No physical scuffles with friends who are trying to calm me down
No flashing single nipples to my neighbours...or double for that matter
No use of the word "douchebag" or any similar spin on the word, including "douche", "doucher", or "douchestick"
I have a swear jar on the desk at work. My assistant said that I swore about 50 times when I told her the Halloween night details...RATS this is going to be harder than I thought. (She was nice of enough to allow it, since technically speaking, the swear jar hadn't been made yet). So starting now, the amendments are in place. Fuck. Okay, starting now.
No swearing
No evil, crook, or stink eye
No yelling at bouncers
No physical scuffles with friends who are trying to calm me down
No flashing single nipples to my neighbours...or double for that matter
No use of the word "douchebag" or any similar spin on the word, including "douche", "doucher", or "douchestick"
I have a swear jar on the desk at work. My assistant said that I swore about 50 times when I told her the Halloween night details...RATS this is going to be harder than I thought. (She was nice of enough to allow it, since technically speaking, the swear jar hadn't been made yet). So starting now, the amendments are in place. Fuck. Okay, starting now.
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